MUST READ; "Condolence Letter To The First Wife And Mother Of Nation" MAMA PATIENCE

Dear First Wife and mother of the Nation, I have found this letter expedient after digesting the release confirming that indeed your godmother, Mrs Charity Oba, died in a ghastly motor accident. I had been very wary of believing any story picked up in the media about you these days because of theincredible insolence and disparaging attacks on your precious office. A case in point is the argument that your office is not captured in the constitution. Your opponents forget the thirteenth commandment of the constitution that says - if it does not exist, invent it.
After all, you were not the first one to occupy that office. It's a shame that your humility has given people a license to insult, ridicule and disparage your transformed personality. If you were not a savior of the nation, you could have ordered a padlock be fitted on every foul-mouthed critic even if they are professors. After all, you have several PhDs to the shame of grammar.
When people are joined in holy matrimony, the pastor usuallysay that the two shall become one. This singular assertion means that you are an extension of your husband's popular mandate duly affirmed by the Supreme Court. It was evident recently when the entire A-Y-A axis of the Federal Capital Territory was locked down in honour of your official function. Abuja residents got a taste of the fever that grips Port Harcourt each time you visit for only those invested with executive lawlessness can deny free movement guaranteed by the constitution without reprisal.
Who could prevent pregnant women, the sick and invalid from accessing hospitals for six solid hours except your Excellency? Only you can transform the lives of those whodepend on such free movement to feed their over bloated family.
The second reason this letter is delayed, your Excellency, is because having fulfilled the mandatory seven deaths and seven resurrections, I had been persuaded to believe, your Excellency, that you cannot suffer mortal bereavement. After all, Jesus raised Lazarus before he even resurrected once. So, when I read the story that Mama Sisi had passed, I deliberately disbelieved it remembering that your Excellency promised after resurrection, to devote the rest of your lifeto humanity. Where else should such devotion start but home with lineage immortality?
To believe that Mama passed in a road accident is a travestyof the Transformation Agenda by which the First Family is immune from the things that kill others. Yes, it so happens that 50 people needlessly die daily on our roads, it should not be the portion of presidential in-laws. What happened to extending that protocol sole movement on the road to your godmother? I was waiting for the setting up of the usual presidential committee to probe this rumour when your information officer released the condolence stinker on Amaechi and his wife. This death is as a result of dereliction of duty by the IG who woefully failed to provide cover for the presidential mother on roads meant to reduce population explosion.
At some point, your Excellency, we may return to blame President Jones for treating his in-law with indifference. Your godmother should be donating computers and accessories to the buildings the President's mother recently donated as a sign of unity in the first family instead of lying in state. I hope henceforth, that Airport Road is closed whenever the presidential kids go to their American school. No member of the presidential family should be subject to the vagaries of life that claims the lives of ordinary Naija people while you live in the Rock of Offense.
To cap it all, I read with utter disbelief reports that you had snubbed the deputy governor or your state at the airport. I cannot even begin to imagine the level of insolence of your state governor to your treasured office. If I were Rotimi Amaechi, I would have declared one-month public holiday, distributed ashes and sackcloth and buy up all airtime on NTA until the final rites are performed. What is more, I would have appointed myself chief mourner and cause my wife lieon her back on the tarmac as a stepping stone as you return home to make burial preparations. That is the only way to show that they were not complicit in this death as the British secret police are in the death of Princess Diana and Dodi Fayed. To provide pictures of signing of condolenceregister when you should be the hearse chair is impudence.
I wish I could recommend appropriate punishment, your Excellency, but please forgive them as Jesus forgave the thief on the right hand for wanting to drag your bad name inthe mud for complaining. My final prayers, your Excellency is that may God grant the feeble Naira the fortitude to bear the cost of the burial of the century.
Yours obedient servant,
Wakaman
Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN